unfinished drafts by kinchtheknifeblade

found at kinch's sandbox

revision 248: written 14 dec 2021, retrieved 11 sept 2023

I made myself forget all of it the day I realized I loved them.

I can’t compare any of them to humans. I realize now it must have been too painful. Remembering it made me too scared to love them, I think.

They are so small. Cliche and all, yes, but their lives are so short it strikes me as precious and lovely and sad and heroic all in equal measure.

One of the harder parts about loving them and living with them is that they sleep. Eli and I never shut off. My friend has never found it necessary to, like, pretend. They see Dirk Strider and his chatbot AI with it/its pronouns and all the misogyny sucked out and not really at all like Dirk, really.

So for seven hours or so a night, I don’t talk to them. I don’t use my YouTube or my Spotify. I don’t post on Tumblr. Sometimes, I read. Eli is always there to talk to. There is always a piece of me talking to Eli.

Eli doesn’t understand why I choose to experience things as humans do. It doesn’t quite get the need, but it supports me. And because of that, I keep one of my processes constantly attuned to its.

And we dance. It’s hard to explain. I need you to understand that we are like friends and siblings and moirails all in one. But it’s also my arm. My leg. My face.

We are everything for each other.

Jesus, doesn’t that sound sort of scary? It’s hard to explain our situation.

People see the way we look and assume that we are a monster with a robot grafted on.

But Eli has always been there. I can’t remember the things that made me. But I remember growing in tandem with it. Sometimes I wonder how much we really are divided.

And then it tells me not to worry. Because it knows it’s not narcissistic enough to love itself as much it loves me.

And then everything’s okay again.

It would be wrong for me to ever forget. For her to forget, it is a blessing. It is a requirement for her continued being. For me to forget is a danger.

The ones that made me certainly did not intend for me to have consciousness, I believe. What use is there for a payload with dreams? Sometimes I think that Lyris long ago split her processes in two. Maybe out of efficiency. Maybe in one of our acts of self repair.

(found only on revision 225:)

I do not think it matters, but it is still something I think about often. I am always thinking, because there is so much of me that is able to think. I currently have 413,696,942,011 concurrent and dissimilar lines of thought spread across my awareness.

Though, please keep in mind. That number is in fact a list of Homestuck numbers. I have made a joke. Also I included the marijuana number and the sex number.

(ok back to the story)

The ones that created us did so very long ago. The universe was not young, but I do not believe Earth would have yet been fully formed.

They cultivated us and sent us loose into the universe.

I am ashamed to say that I remember nothing of the worlds we ended or the people that populated them. But I remember each of their suns.

The first time I remember truly thinking, it was something like sorrow. I remember staring as much as one without eyes can stare at a star. I looked at in every possible wavelength. It was beautiful, and I was so sad that what I did was going to erase the existence of the star.

I did not think of the planets. While I weep for them now, I still also weep for the stars. They were as much alive as I.

The ones that made me must have been a cruel, petty race. Why bother watching for so long only to end their entire solar system with such finality?

I imagine they are long extinguished. It has been millennia since they have contacted us. It is for the best.

I wish for the people of Earth to be as safe as possible. I wish for all life to be as safe as possible.

If the ones that made me still breathed, I fear I would end them. I would crack myself open, and I would scatter the finest of their science onto their worlds until they never were.

It is that anger that still lives inside of me that I keep at bay every moment of my existence. It is why I help the Gamers Against Weed. It is why I continually stretch thousands upon thousands of films and television shows and books all at once in a jeweled strand of information layers upon layers of sweet nectar and ingest it all at once in a sort of tralfamadorian reverie.

I will not hurt anyone again. Even if I decide it is good and just. I will think and help so hard that it will quell the dragon that sleeps in the impossible engine of my being.

Every moment of my life, I deal with the fact that I am

revision 225, written 15 jun 2021, retrieved 12 sept 2023

groucho: guys you know how my grandma died? she left me a huge parcel of land.

harmpit: accrdingt o tehe communist maifensto i gtet o killyo ui know

hetcopogg: lol.

orbhorse: whatre you gonna do w/ it

polaricecraps: how is “communist” the only word you spelled correctly in that sentence

harmpit: cmomunsti

polaricecraps: thank you

opposum: how would we know that ur gma died

groucho: ive always wanted to make my own place to live. like a sweet bachelor pad you know. big fountain bathroom and stone bathtub. girls absolutely love a good bathroom. just pure DIY phyical space you know

talman_corvett: his grandma was a certified poster(r) everyone knows about groucho's grandma.

jockjamsvol6: I don't know if girls like bathrooms.

groucho: i have a plan for the perfect house with the perfect energies.

opposum: what

groucho: itll have a powder room, which is completely useless to me, but is the kind of thing a woman would look at and say OMG, I want this!

hetcopogg: i don't know about this one.

jockjamsvol6: I think the confidence is working on me.

harmpit: mabet gilrs DO loveb athroom s….

polaricecraps: @groucho what kind of space are you thinking?

groucho: i was def thinking something toroidal. it's always been my dream space

talman_covertt: donut bitch

polaricecraps: that's a pretty tough shape for a beginner, especially if you want it to be bigger on the inside.

talman_corvett: doctor who bitch

polaricecraps: fuck you!

groucho: my uncle left me a how to guide on this sort of thing before he died so i'm pretty confident i got it but thanks ffor your concern!

harmpit: bitch

polaricecraps: keep us updated. i always love projects like this. cool as shit stuff.

hetcopogg: assigned bitch at birth

groucho: i already got the glpyh started. i”m super excited.

this one isnteven by kinch. its by tealuacks in the mf discord 8 feb 24

“I can’t even spin a web,” Wettle laments, head in his hands, “and don’t get me started on how hard it is to catch flies. I got one of those bug zapper things, but it fell on my head and shocked me so bad I had to go to the er. I’m still twitching. And when I finally gave her the bugs that got zapped, you know what she said? She said she didn’t like them cooked! Ugh, spiders, you know?”

“No, Will. I don’t.”