Milo Murphy's Law fic by allieinarden, posted posted jan 13 2017
archived by cerulean on jan 21 2024
FORCES (Foundation for the Observation of Reality-altering Conditions and Existential Studies)
SUBJECT: Milo Danger Murphy
Foundation: So you’ve made a new friend.
Subject showed signs of excitement.
Subject: Yeah! Zack Underwood! He’s so cool! He teamed up with me and Melissa on our science project and we got an A!
Foundation: And he has all the proper insurance forms filled out?
Subject: Yeah, that’s fine. My dad knows his mom. She works at the hospital, so he sees a lot of her.
Foundation: You met him at the beginning of the school year?
Subject: Yeah, at the bus stop! Things got pretty weird from there.
Foundation: Your friend Melissa mentioned wolves, bees–
Subject began to tick disasters off on his fingers as named.
Subject: –concrete drainage pipe, floodwater, I think there was some fire in there somewhere, alien abduction–
Foundation: You were abducted by extraterrestrials?
Subject: Yeah!
Foundation: Both of you?
Subject: Yeah, me and Zack. He talked them out of it.
Foundation: He talked them into letting you go?
Subject: Yeah, he’s really smart! I think that’s why he gets along so well with Melissa. They’re both smart! They figured out that Doctor Zone was Time Ape’s brother before they even saw the movie!
Foundation: Wait. He’s Time Ape’s brother?!?
Subject appeared distressed.
Subject: Sorry! Spoilers, sorry–
Foundation: I hadn’t seen the movie yet.
Subject: Murphy’s Law, applies to spoilers too, sorry. I’ll just back away–
Subject pushed his feet against the floor to move his stool. Subject fell backwards over stool.
Foundation: No, it’s…You were talking about Zack, um…
Subject, lifting his head from the floor, brightened.
Subject: …Underwood!
Subject laughed.
Subject: Yeah, he’s great! Melissa and I were talking and we think he’s just what our group needed, actually! The voice of reason!
Foundation: “Group?”
Subject: I mean, it’s only been a few months, but it feels like he’s been around for ages! He’s really one of us.
Foundation: You have reason to believe that he will continue to spend time with you.
Subject hesitated briefly but otherwise did not react.
Subject: –I mean, yeah! Why wouldn’t he?
Foundation: We don’t wish to discourage you from forming friendships, but based on past reports–
Subject: Yeah. Yeah, I know.
Foundation: We just don’t want you setting yourself up for more disappointment.
Subject: No, it’s okay, he’s–you know, he’s like Melissa. I think.
(Melissa Chase, friend of subject: Can confirm. Zack Underwood is ride or die. And if he gets off the ride, I’ll take care of the “die” part.
Subject expressed commingled amusement and horror.
Subject: Melissa!)
Foundation: You turned thirteen on October 13th.
Subject laughed.
Subject: Yeah, like always.
Subject smiled broadly as though suddenly remembering something.
Subject: But it wasn’t like always! Oh man, it was amazing! Zack and Melissa threw me a real birthday party!
Foundation: You’ve celebrated your birthday in the past.
Subject: Yeah, but just at home. Stuff would always go wrong.
Foundation: We have a record here of a seventh birthday party–
Subject: Yeah, that was why. But you know what they did? They had it at a go-kart track! That way everyone had to wear helmets anyway! I told you they were smart.
Foundation: Melissa has always been a quick thinker.
Subject: Yeah, you said it! Man, you wouldn’t believe the stuff she did to trick me into going there! But you know, it never would have happened if it wasn’t for Zack! It was his whole idea!
Foundation: He had known you for a little over a month.
Subject: I know, isn’t he great? He heard about the other parties and he wanted me to have just one where nothing went horribly wrong. And nothing did!
Foundation: Nothing went wrong?
Subject: Oh, a bunch of things went wrong! Wonderfully wrong. Like there was this big sign that fell right on the track and we used it as a ramp, and–
Foundation: Both of your parents report an arial explosion of cake and ice cream.
Subject: Yeah, that was the most amazing thing! I almost thought Zack and Melissa had planned that, but they hadn’t! It wasn’t even our cake! We heard later that some trucks had crashed and there was this whole chain of events that led to all this stuff exploding right over our heads right when we needed it! See, Diogee had eaten the cake we had already and we thought there wasn’t gonna be any, but then–
Subject seemed at a loss to express himself. Bounced up and down in stool.
Foundation: It was good luck.
Subject, on the verge of upsetting his stool again, stopped short.
Subject: Yeah. Yeah, it was good luck! I never thought of that! Not for the people at the track who had to clean it, though. I felt kind of bad. But mostly just thrilled!
Foundation: According to our interviews with your parents, you’ve had a remarkable run of good luck lately.
Subject: Yeah, you know? I made a new friend, I got a birthday party, I got to go to a football game–and we won! And I saved the opera–I mean, from stuff that went wrong because I was there, but I still saved it, and Aman–and everybody liked my singing–Oh man, it’s been like the best school year ever!
Foundation: Which is curious, considering the track record.
Subject: Yeah! Thirteen is supposed to be like the worst year, right? Unlucky number?
Foundation: We think it has more to do with the effects of puberty and bodily maturation on the condition itself than with unlucky numbers, but yes, that has held true for previous EHML carriers, including your father.
Subject: Weird, right? Maybe the new bad luck and my regular bad luck are canceling each other out!
Foundation: Nothing is impossible. We’re asking your parents to exercise caution, however. We’ll ask the same of you. You know why?
Subject: “It’s quiet, Time Ape. Too quiet.”
Subject laughed.
Subject: That’s from Season 3, Episode 14: “Zone Stops For No Man.”
(Brigette Murphy, mother of current subject and wife of previous: I agree. It was very strange. It was very…Milo.
Foundation: You mean it seemed personal.
Brigette: It was like it had been made for him. Or by him. I don’t even mean by his condition. His condition’s always been very impersonal. But it was like–if you could imagine his mind doing something–
Foundation: So you tend toward our hypothesis that this may have been a spontaneous outflow of emotion. A kind of psychic self-expression.
Brigette: I don’t know what I think. I’ve never seen it happen like that before. Not with Martin either. I mean, their moods have an influence, of course. He was so excited the whole party that I figured something probably had to give, but I didn’t think it’d give like that.
Foundation: And he seemed to calm down after that?
Brigette: Well, no, he didn’t calm down, I actually think he ramped it up a little–man, you should’ve seen the go-kart track when that boy was through with it–
Foundation: But there was a release.
Brigette: …Yeah. Yeah, that’s just it. I think he’d been feeling pretty anxious before–you know, he’s never had a birthday before that didn’t get ruined, but…Yeah, that’s just it. A release.)
Foundation: You’ve expressed interest in a girl in your class.
Subject became excited.
Subject: What? No way! Who told you that, my mom?
Foundation: Yes, actually.
Subject waved a hand dismissively.
Subject: Oh, you know how moms are! She just can’t wait to have little cursed grandkids!
Foundation: Milo. We appreciate your need for privacy, but it is vital to our research that you speak only the truth.
Subject dropped his gaze, laughing nervously.
Subject: Ah, okay…she’s beautiful, all right? She really is.
Subject squirmed in his seat.
Subject: But–everybody thinks so! It’s not just me.
Foundation: Nonetheless, her immediate family will have to be informed of the matter.
Subject’s head shot up so suddenly that the backward momentum knocked his stool over again. Subject scrambled to his feet, seeming hardly to notice.
Subject: You’re going to tell her parents? What, that I like her? You can’t!
Foundation: We have overwhelming evidence, based on past data collected from your father and grandfather, as well as anecdotal evidence regarding your great-grandfather, that objects of romantic interest to EHML sufferers tend to be targeted by the law itself.
Subject: You can’t tell them! It’s not like I’m all that into her! I mean…I mean, I am, but I don’t know her well enough to–I’ve been keeping a distance ‘cause I don’t want to mess her up. She’s really organized, you know? Having everything go right–it means a lot to her.
Foundation: Murphy’s Law of Attraction.
Subject: It’ll be fine! She’s, like, afraid to go near me anyway! So you’ve got to promise me you won’t tell her parents. She can tell them herself. Promise me!
(Martin Murphy, previous subject and father of current subject: Yeah, it’s true. We go for the type A girls. All of us have.
Foundation: Our studies of your predecessors back that up.
Martin: We have family legends going even before your records. Basically, the less a girl likes our condition the more we like her. High school wasn’t easy.
Foundation: And yet you and Brigette have been happily married for over twenty years.
Martin: Yeah, twenty-two years in June.
Foundation: And all the Murphys have been known for strong marriages.
Martin: Well, that’s the thing. My dad used to say–how’d he put it? “When you’ve been through everything that can go wrong…”
Foundation: It strengthens the bond.
Martin: Yeah, that’s really the bottom line. People go into a marriage, you know, they aren’t really thinking about the “for worse” part. They get along great, everything’s great, and then the first thing that goes wrong wrecks the whole thing. Me and Brigette, we already knew that everything would go wrong. We just decided we’d better enjoy it.
Foundation: And these obstacles…they were all external.
Martin: I mean, we fight, like any other couple. We have our disagreements, but the bottom line is we’re fighting the outside stuff too hard to be wasting time with the rest of it. I don’t really know what I did without her. She’s my rock.
Foundation: You planned on having children from the beginning.
Martin: We both wanted kids.
Foundation: There was no hesitance on your part about your status as a carrier?
Martin: Oh, there was tons of that. Go look through my files from the 90s, I spill my guts to you guys all over about that. But we still wanted to do it.
Foundation: And when Brigette became pregnant a second time?
Martin: I’ll tell you something crazy. It was actually easier for me. I was so relieved when Sara was a girl, I thought, okay, that’s one kid I don’t have to worry about. But I did still have to worry about her, y'know, because of me. I was almost afraid to even sleep next to Brigette when she was pregnant, I thought maybe I’d make something happen to the baby just being there, you know, I didn’t know.
Foundation: She was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck.
Martin: Yeah. See, that’s the thing, I’m told that’s a common complication, could’ve happened without me, but–you don’t know, right? Man, I was afraid to hold her. I remember she kept trying to take her first little steps toward me and the second she hit the splash zone she’d fall right on her face–I said “Brigette, you make her walk towards your mother or something, I can’t do this.” Because she’d fallen like five times and she just kept getting back up there and going straight for me, I couldn’t stop her. She was like her mom, I couldn’t get rid of her. But Milo…(chuckling), man, that kid was making stuff happen way before he was born. Brigette’s just walking around and shelves are dropping, cars are hitting the curb…y'know, it was like, comical. It was too much. It was too much to even worry about. I said “I can’t possibly make this worse.” I said “when this kid is born I’m going to hug him so hard he pops a stitch.” Because he was probably going to anyway.)
Foundation: Your sleeping arrangements haven’t altered.
Subject: Nope, still sleeping in the loft bed. Diogee!
Subject’s dog, who had entered the room unseen, yowled.
Foundation: He’s not supposed to be in the building.
Subject attempted sternness.
Subject: You’re not supposed to be in the building! Go home, boy!
Subject’s dog whined. Subject appeared downcast.
Foundation: No, I meant he shouldn’t have been able to enter. We’ve increased our security measures since your last checkup and…oh, but he’s come here every time, let him stay.
Subject brightened. Lifted dog onto his lap.
Foundation: We were discussing your affinity for the loft bed.
Subject: Yeah, you know, what can you do? I still can’t sleep any lower down than that. I’ve tried.
Foundation: Both your parents note that elevation relaxes you.
Subject: Weird, right? You’d think it’d do the opposite, considering!
Foundation: Our records show that at one time you fell out of bed every single night.
Subject: Sure, I was used to it! We had a mattress, you know, on the floor.
Foundation: And you no longer do.
Subject: Yeah, we sure beat that one! Score one for the Murphys!
Foundation: Tell us how.
Subject: Aww, I told you how last time.
Foundation: Remind us.
Subject sighed.
Subject: Okay, you know how the odds of improbable disaster increase around me? Like, it doesn’t happen with my dad, really. He thinks I’m gonna have more normal problems when I’m older. Boy, I can’t wait.
Foundation: Stay on message.
Subject: I am. Okay, so the loft bed had a rail and stuff kept happening to it. It broke when I leaned on it, it caught on fire, one time it got eaten by termites–my dad just kept replacing them. Y'know, fight the good fight. But then my mom said, “Let’s not and see what happens.”
Foundation: And you didn’t have any problems after that.
Subject: Never did! I’m sleeping eight feet up, no railing, no problem. It’s like a superpower! And I get a lot more floor space in there now that we got rid of the extra mattress. Though I kind of do miss jumping on it. Not bouncing off it out the window, though, don’t miss that. It’s fun until you hit the ground, but you wouldn’t believe how long recovery–
Foundation: Your theory is that likely disasters become proportionally less likely.
Subject: Yeah, that’s what we all think. At least with me. My dad got weirder stuff when he was a kid. Now he has just normal stuff, like falling off his bike, getting stuck in an elevator–he can’t be on the roof, not ever. Can you imagine? Sometimes when I’m up there repairing the satellite dish he’ll walk by and shake his fist, “Enjoy it while you can, kid!”–
Foundation: You repair the satellite dish? On the roof?
Subject: Yeah, I like it up there. It’s quiet, you know?
(Sara Murphy, sister of subject: Yeah, don’t tell him, but he’s wrong about the loft bed. The dog is saving his life.
Foundation: Diogee, so we’re clear. How do you spell that again?
Sara: D-I-O-G-E-E. He’s very insistent on the E-E.
Foundation: The dog?
Sara: No, Milo. God help you if you spell it with a Y. Anyway, every night that dog comes into his room and just lies there between him and the edge of the mattress. That dog’s got a ridiculous center of gravity, he’s like a doorstop. Even Murphy’s Law can’t budge him.
Foundation: He does have a remarkable immunity.
Sara: I’d call it more of a talent. The vet thinks maybe he used to be a service dog–y'know, before he found us.
Foundation: A service dog for Murphy’s Law?
Sara: Who even knows? He’s adaptable. He’s a lot like Milo that way. Maybe that’s why they like each other. But he reminds me of me, too–he’s got that sixth sense, he knows something’s going to happen before it does. Real Murphy.
Foundation: He’s been in the picture for some time now.
Sara: Six years, baby. Just glued himself to Milo’s side and never left. My mom calls him “the countercurse.”
Foundation: Ah.
Sara: We’ve talked about getting some kind of doctor’s note so he can go more places. 'Cause you saw–he just goes anyway, it’s not like we could stop him. Not like we’d even want to. He makes us all breathe easier.
Foundation: No doubt. Your brother’s continued fondness for heights…
Sara: Yeah, it’s alarming, but kind of cute, isn’t it? He’s got the treehouse in the backyard–it’s, I mean, it’s hard, but you gotta let the kid live his life. And he really doesn’t fall as often as you’d think he would. He adapts. I’m proud of him.
Foundation: You don’t think that this is a side effect of his condition?
Sara: You mean adapting? No. I mean, that’s a result. It’s what you gotta do. But he’s a determined guy, I think he’d be like that anyway.
Foundation: We refer to his tendency to court danger.
Sara: To court danger? He doesn’t do that! None of the Murphys ever did! Well, okay, there was Grandpa Murphy. (She laughed.) But listen, seriously–we’ve got more than enough of that stuff coming our way without asking for it. And Milo doesn’t ask. He’s made a decision to enjoy it. What do you want him to do?
Foundation: The loft bed, the tree house–
Sara: That’s not daredevil stuff, that’s kid’s stuff. Regular kid’s stuff. You know, that used to be my treehouse. It’s more dangerous when he does it, but everything he’s gonna do is dangerous. Sitting alone in the kitchen is dangerous. Doing his homework is dangerous. He might as well live.
Foundation: It is because we want him to live that we have repeatedly recommended that he avoid unnecessarily–
Sara: (She seemed struggling to maintain her good humor.) Save the lecture for my parents. I’m only in charge if a satellite hits the house. We have a whole emergency drill.
Foundation: We recognize that you have no power over his actions. But we wondered, given how long you have had the opportunity to observe him, whether you might be able to offer us some insight.
Sara: Insight? Into what? I’ve given you all I have.
Foundation: The question of whether the Murphy’s Law condition is self-sabotaging.
Sara: What?
Foundation: We have worked for some time with the hypothesis that EHML perpetuates itself–in other words, that it actively works to keep its sufferers alive in order to pass the condition on in turn.
Sara: Yeah.
Foundation: We are considering the possibility that the condition carries no such property and, in fact, actively works against its carrier.
Sara: It seems pretty obvious to me that it does work against its carrier.
Foundation: This is a question of whether EHML should be thought of as a mutation–a trait, as it were, presenting features which, while inconvenient to the carrier, are not malevolent in themselves–or whether we should rather categorize it as a disease, inherently harmful to its sufferer.
Sara: Hmm. Well, it’s not a disease. I don’t think. They’re all healthy. Milo’s healthier than I am. He eats better than me and he gets more exercise. A lot more.
Foundation: But why does he eat better?
Sara: Uh. So he doesn’t get sick.
Foundation: He gets sick more easily.
Sara: Well, sure. Murphy’s Law.
Foundation: That carries some serious implications. The human immune system was designed to fight off illness.
Sara: Sure. And his does a great job. He catches nearly everything that goes around, but he’s had so many things by now that he’s usually not sick for long. One day. The ol’ antibodies know the drill.
Foundation: In other words, his immune system functions, but it allows the pathogens to enter in nearly all cases.
Sara: Nearly all. He takes his Vitamin C. Can I go now?
Foundation: What we’re trying to determine is whether his body is itself working against him.
Sara: What? If it is, it’s doing a terrible job! This kid heals faster than anybody I’ve ever met!
Foundation: Our records confirm that he recovers quickly. Yet an increasing body of evidence suggests that he may unconsciously be seeking his own destruction.
Sara: Seeking his own–Look, is this about the loft bed?
Foundation: Among other things.
Sara: Do you guys ever consider that maybe he has personality traits? That not every inclination he exhibits is attributable to Murphy’s Law?
Foundation: Well–
Sara: You’d never catch my dad sleeping above ground! The guy is as cautious as they come! Milo likes to come prepared and then have his fun! They’re different people!
Foundation: We’re only asking–
Sara: Well, I’m sick of answering! Milo’s a human being and he’s the biggest nerd I’ve ever met, and he loves people and he likes to play the concertina and watch Doctor Zone with me, and he’s a great guy! And all of that has nothing to do with Murphy’s Law! He’s had to develop some skills and stuff to deal with it, but those aren’t symptoms or side effects or anything. Those are his. We didn’t even help him. He did them by himself.
(Having apparently released the brunt of her frustration, she settled down, a bit more subdued.)
Sara: Now can you put that in your file on Milo Murphy? Please?
Foundation: We already did.
Sara: You know, he just made a new friend, Zack Underwood. And everyone was like, “Wow, how brave to hang out with Milo.” Even my parents said it. But you know what I thought? You know what was the first thing I thought? “Wow, what a lucky kid.” I’m serious. I thought, “Wow, I hope for that kid’s sake that he sticks with it, because Milo is the greatest friend a person could have.” You should write that down too.)
[NOTE: Word back from OWCA confirms that “Diogee” not among operatives; background checks with similar agencies across the country have likewise failed to locate him on their records.]
Melissa Chase, friend of subject: All right, I’ve got Zack up on video chat. Say hi, Zack.
Zachary Underwood, recent acquaintance of subject: Hi. Um, was I supposed to do anything? Prepare anything–
Foundation: No, you’re all right. Your first day at school with Milo Murphy–
Underwood’s eyes widened in what appeared to be dawning comprehension.
Underwood: Oh, this is gonna be about the ETs, right? We weren’t on their ship that long, but they seemed to understand English and–hey, you’re not gonna wipe my memory, are you?
Chase: Relax, Zack. He’s here to talk about Milo.
Underwood: Oh, Milo. Right. Are you guys his doctors?
Foundation: In a manner of speaking.
Underwood: Well, uh. Yeah, Milo. What do you want to know?
Foundation: Any little thing that struck you.
Underwood: Well, since meeting him, several boulders, a falling telephone pole and a golf cart.
Chase: He’s proud.
Underwood: I’m getting used to it.
Foundation: You’ve elected to spend time with him nonetheless.
Underwood: Well, yeah, have you seen this guy? He’s the man.
Chase: Zack’s not gonna stop until he’s hit by an eighteen-wheeler.
Underwood: Yeah, I mean, a golf cart? What kind of lame last straw?
Chase: My best was a two-door sedan. Go big or go home.
Foundation: When you describe him as “the man,” you mean–
Underwood: He’s smart. I mean, he knows what’s up. He’s like the bravest guy I ever met. Y'know, I could have chickened out the first week, a lot of stuff was happening.
Chase: A lot of stuff.
Underwood: But then I was like, “who would I even hang out with?” There’s a lot of great kids at the school, don’t get me wrong. I’m on the football team now, everyone’s been amazing. But none of them–I mean, do I want to be like them? They take a bus to school.
Chase: Hey, bus is good. I like the bus.
Underwood: I guess I’m just kind of trying to be like Milo. I mean, this condition or whatever, whatever else it’s done to him, it’s turned him into a total boss. You throw anything at him, he can take it. I’ve always wanted–I mean, I admire him, he’s kind of everything I want to be someday.
Chase: Yeah. Maybe not with the sweatervest, though.
Underwood: Hey, he makes it work.
Foundation: Now, you mentioned a “last straw.” Hypothetically, what would–
Subject: Guys!
Subject emerged from under nearby table.
Underwood: You were in here?
Chase: Yeah, they let me hide him.
Subject: Zack is the best, you guys.
Underwood: I stand by that. You make the sweatervest work.
Subject: I do.
Foundation: You weren’t supposed to reveal yourself without an express signal.
Chase: Milo, go home.
Underwood: He’s not supposed to be in the room.
Subject: Sorry, guys. But real talk, Zack was kidding. He hasn’t got a last straw. I should be telling you guys about all the incredible stuff he’s done! This one time–
Chase: Hey, you never talk about me.
Subject: That’s like all I ever do.
Chase: Nahhhh.
Subject: You guys probably have a whole Melissa file here somewhere.
Foundation: We’re getting off-message, so if you could–
Chase: Do you have a Melissa file?
Underwood: I bet they’ve got an Amanda file.
Subject: ZACK.
Foundation: We’re running out of time, so–
Subject: Actually, I am! Melissa and I were about to go catch a movie! Zack–
Underwood: I’m in.
Subject: All right! Maybe we’ll see those weird pistachio vendors!
Chase: Who?
Subject: You know, the Doctor Zone cosplayer and the other guy.
Chase: I never know what you’re talking about.
Foundation: Pistachios?
Subject: I’ll be outside. You can come out whenever you’re ready, Melissa.
Foundation: Zack, do you have a moment to–
[Transcript ends here. We are informed that the computer being used to access Zachary Underwood unaccountably exploded, setting the room on fire; the last item heard on the recording before it is shut off appears to be Chase shouting, “Milo, you stood right next to it!”
NOTE: Despite our most up-to-date fireproofing measures and an immediate response from the chief of the local fire department, who is the father of Melissa Chase and is known to dispatch a unit in advance under such circumstances, the Swamp City office formerly occupied by FORCES burned to the ground, as several other offices have done during our interviews with current subject. While subject’s father caused similar problems during his own testing period, they were readily solved by the application of certain safety measures put into place when he was in high school, which remained consistent until current subject was six years old. We interviewed Martin Murphy in our Danville office to avert any multiplication of Murphy’s Law resulting from the placement of two EHML carriers within range of affect; we therefore may attribute any accidents within our Swamp City office during this time to subject’s influence.
At present our collective evidence strongly implies that the strength of the EHML condition increases in each successive carrier; of the EHML carriers which FORCES has studied, Milo Danger Murphy is the youngest and least stable. His condition has yet to hit its peak; we advise continued caution. Should this likelihood be rendered incontrovertible, his school district, as well as family and friends of his immediate acquaintance, will be notified accordingly.]